Helping Your Child/Children Cope with Your Divorce
Getting a Divorce Does Not Mean Children Must Suffer Permanent Emotional Damage
VII. Helping Your Child Cope With Your Divorce
As a parent, the most important thing to keep in mind about your divorce is that your child/ren are experiencing it with you. This does not mean that your child/ren have to experience the same degree of emotional trauma as you. Research suggests that it is the conflict associated with divorce that has the most negative effect on a child's ability to cope. Riggio (2004), in a study of young adults found that those having come from homes with extensive conflict between parents reported much greater disfunctional relationship behavior and anxiety in personal relationships. This study suggested that it was not as much divorce that was associated with these problems but rather parental conflict. This also rang true for adult children of parents who did not divorce but maintained conflictual marrital relationships. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry in their internet publication, Facts for Families, stated,
"While parents may be emotionally devastated or possibly relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by what they perceive as a threat to their security ... Moreover, children often believe they have caused the divorce ... Thus, long disputes or pressure on a child to choose which parent to love can be more damaging than the divorce."
An old adage, author unknown, gives a very keen depiction of family. It equates the family to a mobile hanging from a single thread. If one piece of the mobile is touched, all of the other pieces begin to move as well. Children are not unaffected by divorce. However, children need not be permanently damaged by their parent's divorce either. Especially if parents have an ongoing commitment to their child/ren's well being. Although divorce is a difficult topic to discuss with children, it is an essential foundation for assisting them in coping. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry offers the following tips to help both the child and parents with the challenges and stress of discussing a divorce.
- Do not keep the divorce a secret or wait until the last minute to discuss it.
- Tell your child/ren together.
- Keep things simple and strait forward.
- Assure them that the divorce is not their fault.
- Admit that a divorce will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
- Reassure your child/ren that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
- Do not discuss each other's faults or problems with the child/ren. This could cause children to feel as though they have to choose which parent to love.
- Be alert to signs of distress in your child and respond with patience and love.
- If a child shows ongoing signs of distress, discuss it with your family doctor or pediatrician and acquire a referral to psychiatric and/or other mental health services for you and your child.
References
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (2004). Children and divorce. Facts for Families, No.1 (10/92), Retrieved August 8, 2005 from http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/divorce.htm
- Riggio, H. (2004). Parental marital conflict and divorce, parent-child relationships, social support, and relationship anxiety in young adulthood. Personal Relationships, II (99-114).
- For more detailed information on this topic, please see the following list of books and internet resources:
- Divorce and New Beginnings: A Complete Guide to Recovery, Solo Parenting, Co-Parenting, and Step Families By Genevieve Clapp
- Good Parenting Through Your Divorce: How to Recognize, Encourage, and Respond to Your Child's Feelings and Help Them Get Through Your Divorce By Judge Ina Gyemant
- Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex By Richard A. Warshak